My english thoughts...only mine

I think I'm...

2011-02-22T17:03:00.002+02:00

I'd better not think about that so I'm going to write about something totally different :)) (while singing a song and...dancing on the chair).
So it's snowing again (there goes my plan on getting rid of 10 tons of clothes) and it's really cold (I hope this winter will go away soon cause I can't stand it anymore...luckily I have snowtime rims). I also am trying to convince SOMEONE to go at Brasov or somewhere at the mountains...cause I really need some time away from here and from my...life here. :P So hopefully he'll...accept my grovelling and do me some good. :-" It would be so nice to see the mountains...walk around...freeze to death then go somewhere cozy and warm...with a bottle of wine and...(the rest is censored) :)).
So yeah...I wish the winter was over but I also wish I could leave this next weekend...Wish me luck!
A song...what should it be...something new I guess...let me think, let me think...Jojo - In the dark (I actually don't know how new it is but hell...)
Nitey nite!

Wrong

2011-02-16T10:34:00.003+02:00

Yep...that's the word that describes every inch of my life at the moment. Wrong. Not exagerating or trying to complain but it's true. I begin to wonder each and every minute of my life if I made the right decision...I know it is the safe and normal decision but is it the right one?
I just wish I could be understood...I mean I am not asking for anything else than understanding and a bit of attention. Not a lot...just a bit :P well...indeed, a bit more than I am getting but still :))
What is the worse part is that I am blowing up my cover...I am getting so bad at acting these days...I have to improve it once again or it's not going to be nice so...wish me luck at improving my acting skills.
So anyway...recommending a song...well...to describe the state and everything: Beyonce - If I were a boy (yea yea I know it's old but it's perfect for the situation :)) )
Cya! ^^

Wanna get a lick of this lovin'?

2011-02-12T00:07:00.002+02:00

Yeah, quite a headline, I know...it's just that this song is so damn obsessive and...it's great to...on. You get me :P
Oh well I just got home (not actually now...an hour ago but...) and...hid THE t-shirt :P in my trunk, got rid of my clothes and make-up and preparing for a good night sleep...cause I am tired and I feel so bad (my sickness isn't gone yet) but at least I finally got to drive...I missed my baby car so much :X myea...
The song is...Dev ft. The Cataracs - Bass down low (listen to it if you have a strong subwoofer or stereos ;) )
Nitey nite dudes! ^^

New day

2011-02-10T09:01:00.003+02:00

I definitely feel better...thank God...or whoever :)) Last night I thought I was going to die, but I managed to get myself up and it will be another day of staying in bed, watching Desperate Housewives (and hoping I'll never become one of them =))), poppin' pills and drinking tons of hot tea...yeah, perfect day, I know...wish I felt better, I would've done other stuff...more...constructive if you can call them that way :)) (I don't know what's sadder...that I think about it when I am 3/4 dead or that I laugh on my own about it).
Sooo...I found an interesting thing that I was fascinated about while reading my morning sites...yes, I also do that for one hour (2 actually)...I check up my deviantArt, my SuperPokePets account and the 4tuning site...each day, while drinking my hot coffee latte :X. Yeah so on the Facebook account while looking at what happened lately, not that I actually care but...it's part of the routine, found this pop-up shop Britney does with some special...pendants for Valentine's Day. I didn't look at it for the Valentine's Day which I despise cause it's another reason to waste money and everything is so f***ing pink and red...ew...ok...getting over that :P I love the inscription "If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?" :> totally kinky. I am really curious how much they cost...anyway if you are interested in that type of things...here's the link: http://store.britneyspears.com/
What else what else...the Nissan GT-R by Egoist is as well an interesting subject along with the others on 4tuning. You should check it out...
Anyway...tomorrow I have to be in perfect shape and state of mind cause there will be a...sorta party...and I can't drink again and it sucks (what having a car, poppin' pills and being sick means). Yeah...I guess this year I'll lose my training at drinking...:-< damn...:))
Have a great day, people!

As always...a song recommendation...if you're willing to wake up the neighbors and make your ears bleed...heard this song on one of the videos I looked up this morning: Rusko - Woo boost (it rocks).

Damn...

2011-02-09T16:22:00.002+02:00

Yeah that is the word I have been using for about 10 minutes already...my...sickness is not going anywhere, in fact it has gotten worse...which definitely sucks. The weather improved only my condition doesn't and I officially hate it...it's not fun at all...yes, the answer is...catching a cold is HELL! =)) Myeah...getting over my...perfect condition and state of mind...like we all know when something goes well (not that something IS going well but supposedly) something has to go wrong...and it did and for those last 10 minutes I keep on thinking how wonderful my life would be if I would live totally by myself...yes, in sickness condition or...depression it would be a killer but...as long as in almost 20 years I haven't done anything to harm myself (willingly), don't think it will be a problem. But thinking and wanting to live alone it is a problem...I cannot imagine the hard times I would go through all by myself but in times like these...oh I so wish I could...stay in my own room with my door locked, drink a cup of hot wine, sit on the couch watching TV and...enough with the cute stuff, I was gonna say "cuddle" but I do definitely think of something else :)) yeah so anyway...enough with the complaints..."suck it up and go on with your life, baby"

Cold times

2011-02-08T22:06:00.003+02:00

Oh yeah...managed to catch a cold...yaaay (that yay came with...coughing and with a running nose so it's not sexy at all)...so except of my hours of study I also have to put up with myself (harder than studying cause I can be a total b****h with myself especially these days)...I'll let you know if catching a cold is Heaven or Hell...I guess I already have it figured out...just a guess cause lately I thought I have a lot of things figured out but SOMEONE managed to...turn my world upside down and show me it's not true...show me that things can be pulled off when there is the strength of two people and I am quite grateful for that (hope I managed to...induce the same thing).
Anyway...it's 10 p.m...I just drank a green tea with orange flavor (pure pure Heaven) and...even though I feel like crap physically...psychically I am quite fine, surprisingly. So...I'll recommend a nice song to end the day and...put an end to this day cause it's been awful (regarding my health, of course).
A song a song...what should it beeeee...calming and refreshing...oh sh*t...I have to admit I am not good at that...search up...Lil' John - What a night :)) sorry I just don't know nice and cute songs :-?? :P Enjoy! Nitey nite

SceneFZ

2011-01-30T13:42:00.002+02:00

I totally recommend this, trust me...they're great =>

Wishing to enlarge the SceneFZ comunity, they decided that between 28.01-06.02 will open their gates for new users.
At the same time, to help the SceneFZ users they created 3 new categories:
1. TVEps-Ro (RoSubbed)
2. XviD-Ro (RoSubbed)
3. BR-Ro (BluRay-RoSubbed)

If you're already curious you can create an account here: www.scenefz.net

[Din dorinta de mari comunitatea SceneFZ a hotarat ca in perioada 28.01 - 06.02 sa deschida portile pentru noi useri.
In acelasi timp tot pentru a veni in ajutorul userilor SceneFZ a creat 3 noi categorii:
1. TVEps-Ro (RoSubbed)
2. XviD-Ro (RoSubbed)
3. BR-Ro (BluRay-RoSubbed)

Daca ati devenit deja curiosi puteti sa va creati un cont aici: www.scenefz.net]

Hot chocolate

2011-01-29T18:07:00.002+02:00

I recently(not recently actually...last year) discovered Starbucks' Hot Chocolate...it is pure Heaven, I mean it. If you haven't tried it yet...it should be on your "Things to drink before you die" list...if you have one. :D It's unbelievably tasty and good and...expensive, of course but it's worth a small pamper to yourself and a nice recreation for the mind and soul...

Song playing: Madcon feat. Ameerah - Freaky like me

brokeNCYDE - Da House Party

2011-01-25T08:59:00.000+02:00

Pills and vodka combined with a headache...the perfect recipe

2011-01-25T08:53:00.004+02:00

It might sound odd but it is the perfect "end of a day" recipe. Never thought it would work...now, now...not everyone should follow my lead but it is quite a good own recipe. :)) Thank God my liver doesn't hate me yet cause all this could've went really wrong. So...now I'm going to start my day with a brand new episode of Gossip Girl, a cup of coffee and something to eat (I didn't figure out what yet...but I will, eventually).

Song playing: Melanie Fiona - Give it to me right (not the most appropriate song to listen at 9 a.m but...heh :D )
Speaking of songs...you all should listen to Brokencyde - Da house party...it's really nice...I should share the video...
Enjoy!

Decisions

2010-07-14T11:35:00.002+03:00

Well...since I thought this would be a nice way to get rid of my worries and since the blog itself it's called "My English thoughts..." then I decided to use it for that, not only to post up my writings. Most of us do understand English and without any attempt to look like a snob, I chose to write these stuff in English. Most of you won't agree with my way of thinking, with my way of seeing things but this is how a 19 year old girl sees life. This is how my inner 19 year old girl sees and lives her own life.

Oh Happy New Year after a long long time

2010-01-14T22:11:00.003+02:00

*blushes and hides her face* How can I even start? I am so sorry for the long absence...
Happy New Year to all of you!
It's been such a long year (2009) that I thought it would never end. But it finally did and it feels so good...it was such an...uninteresting year and so boring it seemed to be everlasting.
So...it's January...it's after the holidays, even though it is ending already...the exams will start in February so I am totally glad I can still enjoy my time doing things that I like (which DO include writing, I didn't forget that). One of the good movies I watched this year and I really enjoyed is Julie&Julia which I recommend (next to a cup of hot chocolate and a good mood) and..as always some new songs I think they're worth listening:

The Medic Droid - Fer sure
Angerfist - Dance with the wolves
Family Force 5 - Fever
Timbaland ft. SoShy and Nelly Furtado - Morning after dark
Chris Brown - I can transform ya
Lil'wayne - On fire
Snoop Dogg featuring Soulja Boy - Pronto

I think this was it for now.

XoXo,
Eve

Happy Birthday, Michael Jackson!

2009-08-29T14:26:00.002+03:00

Today, 29th of August 2009, would've been the 51st Anniversary of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Happy Birthday, Michael!
May the place you went be a better one than on Earth!
We will never forget you!

Rest in Peace, Michael Jackson!

R.I.P, Michael Jackson!

2009-06-27T22:30:00.004+03:00

Michael Jackson, one of the most amazing persons who lived on Earth. I bet you can all agree with me. He was and will remain forever in our minds and our hearts. He was truly a phenomenon which no one will ever forget. He reinvented music, dancing and singing. He was a showman and no one will ever attend concerts the way he did.

We will always love you and we will never forget you!

SpAnKiN nEw SoNgS

2009-04-11T18:30:00.002+03:00

I thought of making a little review of new songs...or good songs worth to be listened any time and at any hour...Enjoy!

Ciara feat.Justin Timberlake - Love sex magic
The Pussycat Dolls - Bottle pop
Amy Winehouse - Back to black
Britney Spears - If u seek Amy
Enrique Iglesias feat. Ciara - Taking back my love
Pink - Sober
Papa Roach - Hollywood whore
Damien Rice - 9 crimes
Mindless Self Indulgence - Issues
Brokencyde - Freaxxx

And to finish today's post...a great musical you should all watch...especially for the music: Repo! The Genetic Opera

Kisses,
Eve

Budapest

2008-10-13T12:59:00.007+03:00

Budapest...maybe one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to. It's worth to see and worth to go there for a vacation or just to visit it. It's absolutely gorgeous! I'd recommend it anytime!

My music player

2008-10-04T16:35:00.001+03:00

X-Tag

2008-10-03T20:00:00.001+03:00

Daca tot e la moda...:)) let's do it as well :D Thanks, Madyx for the idea.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.
5. Tag 5 people.

Cum te simţi azi?[…bitchy]

Enrique Iglesias – Could I have this Kiss forever

Holly Valance – Down boy [yeah baby]

2. Vei ajunge departe în viaţă?[normal]

Paul Cless – Suavemente [=))]

Cinema Bizarre – How does it feel [asta da…]
3. Cum te văd prietenii tăi?[like a friend]

Blaxy Girls – If you feel my love [uhu]
Green Day – Holiday [oh yeah!!]

4. Te vei căsători vreodată?[never!]

Cinema Bizarre – She waits for me [=)) so..NOT TRUE]

Alannah Miles – Black velvet [this yes]

5. Care e tema preferată a celui mai bun prieten?[Dya and…friends?]

The Phantom of the Opera [he’d kill me]

Within Temptation – What have you done [yep..this fits]

6. Care e povestea vieţii tale?[fake]

AFI – Endlessly she said [uhm…maybe…]

Sean Paul ft.Rihanna – Break it off [\:d/ yesh yesh beibi]
7. Cum este/ era în liceu?[ink un an]

Good Charlotte- I just wanna live [tRUEE!]
Faithless – If loving you is wrong [O_O perverted high-school? Hell yeah!]

8. Cum poţi avansa în viaţă? [brains baby]

Snoop Dogg – Drop it like it’s hot [shake ya ass watch yourself!]

Population – Wanna make love to you [told you it’s something fishy]

9. Care e cel mai fain lucru la prietenii tăi? [crazy ppl]

Three Days Grace – Pain [yeah some are in pain]

Enrique Iglesias – Not in love [yep yep yeeep]

10. Ce se preconizează pentru weekend? [party baby! Ma rog…pliktis dar..party…anyywaayy]

Olivia – A little pain [what did I say? Thanks, God…as always…you’re so kind to me…]

Cinema Bizarre – Angel in disguise [fuckin thanks again…*sighs*]

11. Ce cântec te descrie cel mai bine? [hmm…I know it…sa vedem daca si winampu il shtie]

P.Diddy & X-Tina – Tell me [uhm…yeah]

Cinema Bizarre – Dysfunctional family [also yep ..but still not my song – Britney Spears – My prerogative]

12. Dar pe bunicii tăi?[6 feet under baby…dar…hai una mai e alive…ink n-o bag 6 feet under]

50 cent – Ayo technology [my ass! Nici makr n=au auzit de cuv tehnologie]

Korn – Last legal drug [fucking for love might be the last legal drug? Slutty grandparents!]

13. Cum îţi merge în viaţă?[shit shit shit]

50 Cent – Best friends [uhm…]

Fetter Brot – Bettina, zieh der bitte etwas an [:|]

14. Ce melodie îţi va cânta la înmormântare? [eu vreau sa fiu incinerata]

Beyonce – Baby boy [se putea?]

Cinema Bizarre – Get off [party baby! Yes! She died!]

15. Cum te vede restul lumii? [I don’t give a fuck]

Dj Project – Prima noapte [noh ce ma iubeshte lumea]

The Roots – Seed [K sorry..not that! Slutty]

16. Vei avea o viaţă fericită?[yaah]

Britney Spears – Slave 4 u [like I said…]
Jennifer Lopez - Play [\:D/]

17. Ce cred prietenii cu adevărat despre tine?[luv?!:-S]

Nicole – Come to me [:-> love me or fuck me? Decide!]

Solomon Burke – Cry to me [uhu…when your baby leaves you all alone and nobody calls you on the phone…cry to me :X:X LUV YA GUYZ!]

18. Sunt persoane care te doresc în secret? [si de ce nu pe fata?]

Blessthefall – Rise up [Keep me in front of your sight!...wha?! who are you?]

Sarah Connor – He’s unbelievable [K]

19. Cum să mă fericesc singur?[buy a freakin doll and stick it in your ass]

Mariah Carey – My all [fall in love…NOT!]

Lil’Jon – Get low [oh yeah baby!]

20. Ce ar trebui să faci cu viaţa ta?[multe.]

IAMX – You stick it me [c’mon!]

Cinema Bizarre – Silent scream [no more love…pls!! *cries*]

enjoy doing it people...it's fun

Letter to destruction

2008-09-20T13:12:00.000+03:00

People standing right beside me…I can hear them breath, I can hear them talk…I can hear them move…I can feel life running through their veins and I am standing here frozen by my feelings, by my love. How could love give me such a feeling….how could it frozen me alive? Love is like feeling life reaching it’s top…feeling the hot blood running through you veins and your heart beats singing a song of joy. Love is supposed to be pure, to be mutual and everlasting…Every normal person would think this way…real love…a child’s love with no compromises, sacrifices or suffering…a pure and innocent love where everything is pink and everything is going all right…Everyone would say this…but here I am standing so close to this abyss that keeps calling me and I could swear that all that pink stuff with such beautiful feelings it’s just bullshit…and a big one. How can they all be so blind? Or am I just turning out to be too deep? Am I to deep? No…I am too selfless…maybe this is my imperfection…I care too much about the ones I love…I could give my life for them in any moment…so I would do for him. For that him that made my life change and made me changed…or have I changed him too? I don’t know but I know that my care and my love for him is my self destruction…he’s destroying me only by the fact that I love him…and that I have so deep feelings for him…maybe it’s beyond love, beyond natural and beyond normal. I can’t describe this feeling in words…but by destroying myself both spiritually and physically maybe I am mistaking it…Now I am so close to that hole without ending…is this where I must be? Is this the path I should follow? Where are you pulling me out of darkness like you did before? Where is my savior? My guarding angel that is supposed to take care of me, love me and protect me? If it does exist…where is it? Or there is none for me? Am I believing in something way out? No…I don’t think so…I think that there is someone out there that could do this…and I thought it was him…I needed him and he needed me…we still do need each other…but fear…fear of risking got us into this…making this abyss between us that if we don’t repair it could be fatal…no for him…but for me and I mean fatal in every single meaning of it. I am taking over a death that I shouldn’t…I made this hell…now I must live in it…I am just praying so that I can make it and get out of this alive…with my feelings and my thoughts finally cleared…that would be the end for me…would it be an end for you?

Regret

2008-09-20T13:11:00.000+03:00

It’s night…a cold winter night…she is standing in her bed practically going insane but trying to keep this for herself and hide it away from those who care about her cause they would worry for nothing or…a wolf’s whistle is hearing from somewhere outside…it’s hot inside this house but it’s cold inside her…she goes near her Christmas tree…looks at it’s beautiful lights and colors…white and mauve…her favorite color…but she is alone…she shakes her head and tries to think at something else…at her friends…oh yeah she has great friends they’re next to her but still she feels lonely…Can’t she just stop thinking about this? Goes to the opened window…she was dressed in a long mauve dress…a beautiful dress that was fitting her great…she was gorgeous on the outside but empty on the inside…her white hair was falling slowly over her shoulders revealing it’s amazing length…she breathes hardly the fresh cold air…looks at the white snow that filled everything around her…trees looked odd…they seemed like some strange angels that were guarding her house and they were keeping her trapped in there…it was her home but she was feeling that she’s not belonging to this place…this ain’t hers…this is just some strange old place…

Her footsteps waked up someone inside that house…someone…but who? There was supposed to be no one into that house…it was abandoned…she was abandoned…it was supposed to be just another Christmas without anything special and without fake hopes with which she fed herself all that year…the new year will come along bringing her again pain and sorrow…tears and bleeding…

Someone approaches her…she had a strange feeling and began to shiver immediately…she hears an odd song that seemed to her so familiar…”bared on you tomb I’m a prayer for your loneliness and would you ever soon come above onto me From once upon a time from your binds of your loneliness I could always find the right slot from your sacred key…”…”My favorite lyrics” – she whispered…”But where is it coming from?” – and turns around having a shock…an odd guy was standing in front of her…he had a black robe…he raises his had and looks inside her mauve eyes with his perfectly black eyes…with his ice cold hand grabs her gentle hand…she looks at him calmly on the outside but on the inside burning and crying of fear...”What…who are you?” – she asks gently. He looks at her and says nothing…lets go of her hand and goes straight to the couch and leans on it…takes of slowly his robe and some odd guy with long black hair…black clothes…and black shoes reveals from beyond that dirty old robe. She tries not to look inside his eyes but she just couldn’t help it…something inside her was feeling attraction for that practically unknown guy…”Can’t you see me for real? You mean it?” – he asks her surprised. “I don’t know you…how can I see you for real if I don’t know you?” – she says. “You mean you don’t feel anything strange?”. “I felt something strange since you came in…you know my old favorite song…the song that I loved a long time ago when I was…different than now…you know me from somewhere but seems like I have forgotten you…still I am going to ask you again…who are you?” – she says getting slowly upset…”So you can’t remember your past…you denied everything in it indeed I know it…and yes I know you how couldn’t I? how couldn’t I know you if I swore to you my love and gave to you my heart and my soul? I love you with all my heart and I know you do too but you thought that better would be to forget us all…forget your past world and pretend you’re some fucking saint with no dark thoughts and no sins…you wanted to have nothing cause you said you’re dead in our world…you said you are dead in your own world, the world you created with you bare hands…you may think I am here for help, well no…I am here for your help!” – he said sadly. “My help? Don’t make me laugh please…I am just fine…look at me…I look great I am doing great” – and she looks away. He comes towards her and kisses her with all his love…she falls instantly on the ground…she was worse than she ever thought…she let go all that she created…all that she has ever loved in her entire life and turned around to forgiveness…forgiveness for all her sins…but when she chose this she chose her outside beauty and her inner death…is this all worth just for a forgiveness she doesn’t need at all? She was a saint for everyone…she was powerful…beautiful…smart…everything that anyone would desire to be…and to have. Who wouldn’t desire to be famous and to have all those qualities she has…had…denying them was the most foolish thing to do but she chose to runaway for all that cause she was tired of that life that brought her only joy and love…but she decided that that was enough for her that it was someone’s time to have what she had…but no one could cause she is one of a kind…no one is like her nor like him…both are one of a kind…one perfect pair meant for each other…she breaks out crying and says: “I needed a break from all that…I needed to be alone for a while…”. “Don’t lie yourself! You wanted just to go away and leave the good world behind you…getting yourself into this hell and try it…” – he said hugging her. “I am sorry for everything I have done since I have left that world…my world…and especially you that deserved my entire being not that I runaway from you…you deserved and deserve everything that I can give or feel…but I was afraid you’ll think you’ve had enough of me one day…and that day would’ve been my death…I was and I still am afraid to come back to you and to that world especially because I don’t know if somebody wants me back…if you want me back cause you’re my life but you’re also my death…”. “Don’t be silly now…you know my feelings…I came here for you and I ain’t going back without you…I love you with all my heart and I can’t let you anymore torture yourself like this because of something you never did…because of something you’re not guilty off…”. “If you want me back don’t ever talk about it again….don’t ever remind me that I killed on the inside someone that loved me with all my heart and I haven’t been able to be good enough and give him all my being…he was more than worth for it but what can I do if I fell in love with an idiot that is the one I have always been expecting for?” – smiles gently and kisses him slowly.

Finally a happy ending isn’t it? Well…sorry to tell you but it’s not such a happy ending…her love for the “one” didn’t last forever so she kinda died alone…but always regretting about what she killed inside her and inside that someone else…forever…

- THE END –

Letter to souls

2008-07-16T13:04:00.001+03:00

Maybe the most...private of my writings. It was a hard time for me showing it even to my friends but...as the feelings passed...it didn't matter anymore.

I am standing here alone…again…bleeding on the inside…suffering…hoping for a better day to come...though I know it won’t. And I really needed someone to be there for me…be next to me…hug me, kiss me, telling me that everything is going to be okay. But no one did it nor will. What have I done wrong to deserve this? Who should I hate? Who should I blame? Should I blame You? Maybe yes maybe not…but in the end…what did u do wrong…I am the only one to blame here…maybe I should’ve act differently…talked differently…felt differently…

I am watching the moon…I am as alone as she is…standing somewhere where everyone sees u but no one is there for you to love you and care about you. I have friends…the best friends in the whole world indeed…but sometimes I need more…everyone needs more when their time comes…

Now I couldn’t and didn’t wanted to deny my feelings and I did things wrong…again…and inside everything hurts…in my head there is something I can’t describe…my soul is yelling at me and it hurts so much…I would like now to hate everything…to yell and bleed to death…but I know I have to live with this no matter what…and I will sacrifice myself again…trying to make things again as they were and pretend nothing happened. And I will do this. I promised and I will, without caring how much it hurts me and how much I have to endure…if I have to do this…as I have said…for the ones that I care I will sacrifice myself without having second thoughts.

I am crying now and my tears are falling on the ground while I am writing…I am crying of pain…because it hurts so much…Night seems to be my enemy now…I loved it…it was the time when all the good things happened to me but now it seems it has forgotten me…forgotten my feelings…hurting me…killing me on the inside, but also making me stronger…with each pain…each suffering my soul becomes stronger though it won’t be whole again never…

I really felt whole again when you said those things to me…it was a dream come true…and I trusted you…I still do though maybe I am doing a mistake. Are you really sorry about this? Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me? Maybe you’ll never see this…though it would be better. I want to be your friend…I want us to be the way we were but I am sorry if I will think and desire for more…I don’t care how much it hurts if u need me I will be there no matter what and if I can help you with anything…I will without feeling sorry or regretting.

And so another day ends…with odd feelings…and an odd combination of beautiful feelings…pain…sorrow…maybe tomorrow I will be better…I mean no harm if I will give this to you believe me…I care too much to harm you…

I’m sorry…

Revenge

2008-07-16T13:03:00.000+03:00

“Your tears of blood mean nothing to me anymore…you can even breathe your own death…you have destroyed me…you were my destruction, now I’ll be yours…I guess it sounds fair enough…”ways of life” as you once said. Each and everyone makes his/her own choice and his/her own path, this is our destiny…I chose my way…you were my way once…but faith changed it in my favor, fortunately…but unfortunately for you…I’m not into praising myself and this kind of stuff but, you don’t deserve me…never did and never will…a part of my heart still feels something for you, that’s what’s keeping me from hating you…if I can direct my anger onto someone I direct it on myself…never on the ones I care, no matter how much harm they did to me…maybe night is making me say these things but maybe it’s how I feel…pretty odd anyway…” – she said standing next to him and looking into his dark grey eyes…he seemed unreachable, he didn’t react to any of her words…tears of anger appeared into his eyes, he rose and went away…”Doing this doesn’t make you stronger…it’s making you weaker than you can even think…admit to yourself what you feel or it will be worse, not for me, but for you…” – she whispered drowned of tears looking as he was going. He stopped, like he heard her…indeed, he did hear her but…he turns around with a tear of blood dropping over his face…”I don’t know why I am even turning around!” – he said full of anger…”You said my tears don’t mean anything to you anymore…my anger neither…but what about my feelings for you? Do they mean something for you?”…she looked deeply into his eyes and smiled ironically…”What feelings? Feelings for who? For me? I don’t think so…you have no feelings…you proved this to me and to everyone, you were cold as ice when you were supposed to be warm as the light of the sun…you were cold to everyone that loves you…to those that you mean something for…you were cold even to yourself! You destroyed yourself, I haven’t…I…” – and she rises trying to reach his hand…”I can’t say this…I must not!” – she whispered angrily to herself…He looks with a happy face at her, a face she has never seen before…happy but also full of sadness…the sadness that was running through their both veins…they were full of sadness but the feelings they had for each other couldn’t stay away and betrayed them…their eyes betrayed them…the eyes – mirror of the soul…”We feel the same way for each other…what are we hiding for?” – he said gently….she laughs: “I am hiding?!? No…I don’t think so…better think twice before you say those stupid things…I opened my heart towards you if you remember, not you! You broke my dreams and my illusions, I haven’t! I love you will all my heart and I would do anything for you, you know it best than everyone that anytime you needed me I was there for you no matter how much that hurt me…I chose to suffer for your own good…but still you haven’t noticed that…and now you do…all I can feel is satisfaction that you finally realized your foolishness…that’s all I can say about this…and yes, I still love you but I don’t know if I should believe you this time too…I don’t want to go under again!”…he comes near her and hugs her…takes her hand and kisses it…she shivers…but she gets up and makes a few steps forward crying hardly…barely breathing…she falls slowly almost reaching the ground but he catches her and kisses her slowly on her neck…”Leave me alone…don’t…just don’t…please…” – she said crying and shivering…but instantly she calms down…”what’s happening to me? I am…why am I feeling safe in his arms after all he has done to me? Am I going insane?” – she shouts on the inside. He goes slowly with his lips reaching her lips and kisses her full of love…she pulls from his arms and shouts at him: “Are you insane?! Why are you doing this?” and she turns around with tears dropping over her cheeks and falling rapidly over the ground. He sighs sadly but trying to smile at her…”Because…I…” she instantly turns around and kisses him smiling…”I don’t know why I just did this but I did it” – she said laughing and crying at the same time and falls into his arms thinking: “why couldn’t I just restrain myself and my feelings?” but something whispers inside her head: “Because your feelings are stronger than you are even if you don’t wanna admit it…you know it…” He laughs with tears in his eyes: “Don’t worry I didn’t mind that…but still you didn’t let me to tell you…” – and she puts her finger on his lips: “Shhh…I know…” and kisses him again…

A story with a happy ending…a novelty even I am surprised about this but…let’s hope this feeling will remain…forever…

Light and darkness

2008-07-16T13:00:00.001+03:00

This is what people do at school :)) kidding...maybe just me...had the time so...I wrote this little story.

It’s a nice sunny day and she is standing in her backyard sitting on a bench...the lake in front of was slowly turning into some odd color...she was thinking at nothing...her mind was empty and her heart was wounded...she was hurt both on the inside and on the outside...what was tormenting her on the inside began to consume her on the outside...the flames that were burning inside her heart were slowly fading...she was slowly falling into darkness and what once was alive in her now was dying and being dominated by pain, anger and self hate...it was hard but she was surviving...though now life was flowing out from her veins she knew she must stop but she kept on helping the one she cared about...though he made her now desire death instead life and made her mind slowly succumbing to her feelings...but she was stronger than that...she knew it, but he has slowly pushing the sharp blades of his knives of love...or of hate or of indifference cause even himself was confused and he was always feeling bad, sad and however cause he wouldn't tell his feelings and his states not even with a knive at his throat. But she was always next to him and reminding him that she is next to him, that she cares about him and that she will help him no matter what...that is what she did each time she saw he was going insane and feeling like he was fading...but now was her time to wake up and send him to hell along with her feelings for him...stop suffering for an idiot that didn't look at her when she was in horrible pains and no one was next to her to tell her kind words and calm her down when she felt like going insane...She was good for him only when she was needed then, for him, she was just as good as garbage...feelings? What are those for him? For him the only and most important thing...that was his problem...his friends - nothing...the ones that care about him - nothing...the ones that love him - still nothing..he was so...lifeless...loveless...boundless...friendless...he meant everything for everyone and everyone meant nothing for him...very complex, huh? But to tell the truth is as simple as it can be...he didn't and doesn't give a damn about anything and she is suffering and bleeding till her death...

-THE END-

Sad girl...

2008-05-29T10:58:00.001+03:00

A story of a sad girl

It is a sunny summer night with a hot wind blowing her sad face…she is walking next to the black-blue pool reflecting the sinister light of the full moon watching her steps around the pool…insecure steps…slow steps…guiding her moves into the night…she sits next to the pool and pulls herself into the ice-cold water…shivering, she dives into the water and looks at the blood shivering from her veins and going to the surface slowly like a red rope…it dissolves into the cold water…she was slowly falling into nothingness…but the water can’t let her go down…it pulls her at the surface and she lies there on her back with her bloody hands wide open and looks at the full moon…Was she dead or wasn’t she?
The sun appears slowly from the purple clouds, revealing it’s intense light…illuminating her almost blue skin and the red water of the pool…it was filled with her blood…but still…
A strange guy gets next to the pool…Dressed into some fancy black clothes and with a black robe over him…he looked so odd…his white skin and his grey eyes were brightened up by the light of the sun…he looked dead but also so alive…the light of the sun made his white hair looking like a ray of light next to all those creepy, gray buildings around him…He slowly mounts the cold stone steps…looks around disgusted and then looks at the pool...he sees the girl lying there in her purple dress and with blood flowing out of her body…a tear drops from his eye and he gets closer surrounding the pool and looking at her…for one moment he seemed so cold and heartless but his heart didn’t let him be that way…he jumped into the water and got her on the shore. He looked at her scared…her skin was blue and the blood was still flowing out of her veins…he was sure she was dead but he put his head on her chest and felt her heart beating slowly. He was surprised because you could tell with the naked eye she was standing there for quite a while and that she couldn’t be alive anymore…
“What are you?” – he said. She opened her eyes and looked at him…
“Are you a…demon or an angel?” – she said it slowly caughing hardly…
He didn’t answer, took her slowly into his arms and put her on one of the lounge chairs near to the pool, then ran away…
“I’ll die soon…he left me as well…everyone left me…” – she thought. Then she hears a voice whispering slowly into her ear.
“I haven’t left you…I am here…”. – he said. He was back and began to take care of her deep wounds…
“Why?” – she said and looked at him with tears in her eyes. “You can’t be true! You’re dead!”
“I was always dead for you…you never saw me…” – he looked sadly at her and continued his work.
She looked at him and smiled sadly…then fainted and got into a terrible nightmare…He got scared but said: “ I will take care of you no matter what!” and put his head over her chest and fell asleep next to her.
The dawn came and then the nightmare begun…She woke up and saw him lying there next to her…He heard her waking up…
“Are you…allright?” – he asked.
“I…am…fine…” – she said while trying to get up. She was in terrible pains…sorrow was invading her soul…her heart was bleeding inside of her…her mind was yelling and asking her so many questions…
He grabbed her into his arms and held her tightly…She felt warmth stepping into her body…he was warm…full of life…full of love but also…he had some evil part inside…she shuddered when she looked into his eyes…she saw in there so much pain and sorrow but also life…
“Don’t be scared of me…I am here for you…” – he looked and smiled at her.
“Don’t dare smiling at me…I ain’t no ordinary girl…I am…dead…and you are so alive…what are you doing here? What are you doing next to a dead person? To a death bringer? Get away…” – she said crying.
He held her and kissed her slowly on her forehead. “I need your life…cause you are full of life…you’re no death bringer…you’re a sorrow bringer…and I am not afraid…” – he said with calm.
She turned her head away and blood tears were dropping from her green eyes…
Days passed by…her wounds were healed…or at least on the outside…she did that because of sorrow…what was her weapon overwhelmed her and become her own enemy…but she knew she could handle it no matter what…her internal wounds healed as well…scars remained but she was filled with power and desire…still...she couldn’t let her feelings on the outside…she never could…
He slowly fell in love with her and she did the same thing…but how could this be easy when she was so determined on not looking weak and still be the same old girl searching for fun and not caring about feelings? No…things got harder…what was a nice feeling it began to devour her on the inside…eating away her soul and her heart…
“I can’t do this! I can’t fall for my feelings! I must be strong but still…” – she thought.
He remained next to her, even if it was hard for him too…and even if he realized what were her feelings for him…he couldn’t push her and determine her doing something she didn’t and did want to do…Her stubbornness was slowly killing both her and him…she was killing the one she was loving without knowing it…and herself consciously…Her strength was her death, her love was her sorrow and her feelings were the arrows that made her heart bleed…
“I don’t deserve you and you know it much better than me!” – he yelled at her.
“I know this! But how can I restrain my feelings and lie to myself when they’re killing me on the inside! You are killing me and I am killing you! And you know it!” – she said crying hardly…
It was an entire nightmare but…they lived with it…she finally put an end to all this…
One day he was walking slowly into their room and heard water pouring into the bathtub…he opened the door and…this is the way it all ended…she was lying in there...almost dead and said: “You must live and I must die! I must end my feelings for you no matter what and this is my choice…I am sorry.” Those were her last words…he lived with his sorrow inside forever but slowly forgot it and lived his life as he did before…so she was right…
Love brings death, death brings sorrow and sorrow brings oblivion…

Talking with myself

2008-05-29T10:57:00.002+03:00

As the title says, "talking with myself" and trying to put my thoughts in a fair order

I wanted to talk to you so I thought that best would be to write all my thoughts and my feelings on this sheet. Well…the truth is that I can’t stand this anymore…I love who? I like who? Who do I hate? Which are my friends? Well I know my friends…this ain’t my problem…my problems are liking, loving, hating…I think it’s kinda fair to ask myself this…I would like to hate him but I love him…I am supposed to love him but I like him…I know this is kinda strange but I am talking about two different persons. I can’t stand this anymore! To be confused and…hell I am just tired about this and I don’t want this anymore. I made my mistake and I fell in love with the worse guy on Earth. I know it! But what can I do? Deny my feelings again? NO! This time I chose to show my feelings but this was wrong too. So…what should I understand from this? I don’t know what to do! I am freaked out now and I am scared and I am shivering and crying for someone that doesn’t even deserve my tears and my sorrow. I will always think he does but…how…My feelings are so…so messed up and my thoughts are the same and I am feeling bad both on the inside and on the outside. This is consuming myself and soon I’ll…I’ll go down…I’m going under but I can’t let this pull me down! But in the end…should I oppose it or should I just let it be the way it is? I would just like to go away and forget about everything! Forget my feelings and my thoughts…But forgetting ain’t a solution and neither death or…anything…I don’t know…

The forbidden love

2008-05-29T10:50:00.004+03:00

Night reveals it’s secrets…blindly the girl trusts in him…He’s taking her away…he’s taking her into darkness…
This place is forbidden, and so is their love…FORBIDDEN! The love between a human and a vampire…
It happened a long time ago…When her lover died and she felt that love is dead for her forever…That she won’t love again…Though it was hurting, love was history for her…
So she was standing there in the graveyard next to her lovers tomb and singing…Singing each and every night to ease her pain…but this didn’t happen…Her tears were dried and her voice was dying…so was she…
One night, the full moon appeared between the black clouds, healing the girl with it’s light…She was singing again, her voice was more beautiful than ever…A “man” was staring at her…Impressed of what he was seeing : a girl who’s voice was already familiar for him, standing next to a tomb surrounded by some odd angel’s statues, singing every night…The only thing that kept her alive was the music…
He walked forward to her slowly, listening to her voice…When she looked at him, an ocean of silence drowned into her heart…her words remained in the dark…His eyes of fire staring scared her…But he said: “Don’t stop singing…Your voice is beautiful…May I?” and she shakes her head saying “Yes”…He went closer and closer, took her hand and told her: “Come with me!”…At the moment she didn’t know what to say…Was it a devil or was it an angel? Should she trust him? Her heart answered for her…She gave her hand to him and walked next to him…Something seemed to be odd…She thought: “Why am I walking next to him? He is a vampire! I shouldn’t be next to him…” But he said: “Don’t be afraid…Trust me!”…His words made her feel safe…For the first time in 10 years!...Then something odd happened…She started to sing…He started to sing…Their voices combined to well…Their bodies were entwining…Defenseless and silent…They were one with the night…Kept singing together every night…Each and every night…Sharing thoughts…their beliefs…and finally their feelings…
For the first time in so many years…She felt she was falling in love…She was scared but she knew that he is immortal…That their love is immortal…Or maybe not…In the end she knew she will die…And his love for her was so powerful, that he couldn’t make her one of his kind…A vampire!
Time passed…Their love was stronger and stronger…But she was about to die…To let love go away from her…from him…She couldn’t do this…Love and music were the only things that kept her alive…His love! She couldn’t let this get away from her…But still…He didn’t want to transform her…
Now the time was up…It was the last moment of her life…So she did something a human would never to: she bagged him to make her one of his kind…To bite her and make her a vampire…Because she knew this is the only way that she could always be with him…She was about to sacrifice the human inside her for his love…So he did it…
Now they’re walking together…Next to humans…Next to those that cannot accept their love…Those who claim to be their friends…But in the end they don’t have anyone…Just themselves and their love…FOREVER!

Feel

2008-05-29T10:49:00.001+03:00

Really short description of my feelings and thoughts

Sadness is running through her veins…everything seems to be so hard and almost impossible…especially happiness. She is feeling so empty and so lifeless though she loves with all her broken heart. At the beginning her heart was fulfilled with love and only good feelings…feelings of joy, of love, of interior wellness…But now what? Nothing is the way it used to be…spoiling all her dreams…killing her inside this feeling of love. But it grows stronger and stronger with each day that passes…every minute and every hour…though it kills her inside…eating her forces…spoiling her dreams and…she feels...exhausted…she had enough already but this feeling is just too strong and overwhelming. She began to be too selfless…what for her means the world it could kill her in any moment. But she assumed this risk. Why don’t you?
Fear…risk…love...What? And what does she fell in the end?

Real dream

2008-05-29T10:47:00.002+03:00

These are just some thoughts written on a sheet of paper in one of my classes...what I actuallythought at that moment

Dreaming…Standing in her bed and having some nice dreams…or at least she thought that at first…She wakes up shivering and crying and with all her thoughts and feelings messed up as hell…She looks around and sees only darkness…black candles all around making an obscure light…She whispers softly: “It was just a dream…Thanks God…but why…?” It was a fair question. Why would you dream about the best friend of the one you love? Why? Is she…no…she can’t be! – she thought…But…when she thinks about him…neah…can’t…she doesn’t want to feel…not again…He’s the wrong guy…another wrong decision…another healing time after a long suffering. But it wouldn’t be fair…girls do this…thinking that is they would be with HIS best friend they would have their revenge on their ex…bullshit! You began to have feelings for the…let’s say new one…and she does now…she feels! She shivers…her tears are dropping on the floor…someone comes and grabs her hand…he looks familiar to her…who is it? “Oh no…”- she whispers. It was…him…them?!? What…? Her blood began pumping through her veins…she was feeling hot but also cold…It was a strange…comforting but also uncomforting. The smell of candles made her feel sick though before she loved it…something was wrong.

Frya's story, girl's dream

2008-05-29T10:44:00.003+03:00

This one is also a dream transformed in words...describing myself and some of my friends, a long time ago indeed

It was a hot summer night and our dancer was into a club with her best friends next to her dancing her soul out and having fun. She met with one of her 2 best friends…2 guys from a worldwide known band which knew her since she was an innocent little girl, but that innocent little girl has changed well enough…not a girl but not yet a woman…She was dressed like a hot dancer: with a pair of black and red hot-pants, a very short shirt also with black and red and a pair of boots (one red, one black), her friend Aishwarya was wearing a pair of jeans, a light blue corset and some high-heeled sandals and Aerwen was the all black-type. They were all standing there in one corner…drinking and looking at the other ones…how alive and how funny they were…or at least…without her…cause she was up on the bar and showing to everyone her special choreography for that song…That is how she always was…Having fun every time, no matter how heavy things were for her or how bad she felt…
But this time something was changed at her…something? Everything! She was absolutely other person on the inside…but this could be seen on the outside…before…even if she was the soul of the parties and the funny girl…she had her bit of shyness, but now…that shyness was all gone! She was on that bar with some guys and dancing her ass off and having slow, sexy moves…She drove all those guys insane but still never did more with neither of them…just a dance…yeah…one hell of a dance…
She got off her “stage” and went to her friends which were standing down…Aishwarya was standing next to Devdas and Arwen next to Veyr …talking and each having a tonic gin…Frya asked for a bitter and sat in front of Veyr. Veyr grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to him. Frya put her glass on the table, pulled herself over him and kissed him. He kissed her to then Devdas kissed Aishwarya, Frya kissed Devdas and Veyr kissed Aishwarya. Then a very known song was hearing and they went to dance in 6…First Aerwen was dancing with a guy named Siewen, Frya with Veyr, Aishwarya with Devdas…Then they put themselves together, changed the partners and started a dirty dance…Everyone made a circle around them and they were the attraction of the night…
After the dance Frya remained alone on the dancefloor and continued dancing, when a japanese song was hearing from the stereos. Frya’s favourite song…She started to sing it and dance on it slowly, enjoying every moment and each verse…Aerwen was shocked cause she didn’t know her best friend knew so well japanese and she was pretty surprised… Frya was dancing happily on the cold sand with her bare feet and almost floating away…A guy came closer to her…and closer…For her he looked so familiar…Long silver hair and big yellow eyes…He was looking at her shy then put his hand over her shoulder and said: “Hey”. Frya was surprised, yet scared because she knew she saw him before…”Hey” – she said. “I am Haynu.” – he said. She told her name than they danced together on that song and talking in Japanese… Then he went and sat on a black chair…The light came stronger than ever and Frya was standing next to him looking into that bright light…Haynu was pretty surprised when he saw the color of her eyes…They were fiery red…Everyone got a bit scared when they saw her real color…Haynu looked into her eyes and asked her: “What are you??!?!”. Frya smiled and she went again on the dance-floor…Everything was so perfect for her…and not only for her….for Aishwarya and Aerwen too…Aishwarya was with the guy she always dreamed off and Aerwen was having her usual fun…
Frya drank some glasses of gin as well and she felt so well…Veyr went and grabbed her back and started to move his hand slowly over her…Haynu saw this and told Frya they’ll talk tomorrow…Frya sensed something was wrong but continued to let her body think instead her mind and let herself into his hands…She was feeling so high and so damn well…Everything was moving all around her…she was feeling so good next to him…Veyr was the guy she always desired…but it was only a physical desire…
That night for Frya was terrific…she let herself totally into Veyr’s hands without caring about feelings without caring about nothing! It was her night…she let herself body and soul to him…or at least…she let only a part of her soul cause the rest was still for that strange guy which seemed so familiar to her…they were standing hugged in the night and she was watching at the full moon thinking of Haynu…she couldn’t get him out of her mind, but still she wanted to have the greatest week of her life…full of fun, full of guys, full of drinking…full of extreme…
The next day was the same thing…same old dancing, same old faces, same old songs…Frya was dancing again when…Haynu appeared from between all that crowd of people that was round Frya…When she saw him she felt so full inside and happiness was invading her soul with each step he made to reach to her…She smiled but he didn’t show anything…Frya looked down disappointed then he came and raised her head and looked into her fiery eyes…”You know…I thought maybe we could…”. “I am saying yes, be sure…but 1st of all I have to tell you that after this week I will be fine with it…but meanwhile…I will have my share of fun, got it?” – and she moved her fingers over his lips. He shook his head saying yes and then danced with her…Feeling were invading her soul while she was looking into his bright yellow eyes…but yet she was trying to deny them…He looked seriously into her eyes and said: “Really now…what are you?!?”. “What are you?” – and looked at him upset. “I am your other part…your missing part…that something you need…”. Frya looked scared into his eyes and said something she didn’t feel but thought: “I don’t need you! I don’t even know you!”…He sighs then he says: “You will se what I mean after this week of fun of yours…” She looks at him sadly: “I am sorry but I can’t stand the idea to be tied of someone…” He puts his hand on her cheek: “I know…that is why I am letting you go away for now, but you know I’ll reach you again…because I…” and he stopped because he knew that was the word she feared most…
Days passed by…Frya was having fun every night with some other guy each night, dancing, drinking and everything that meant fun for her…But yet something was missing…Haynu appeared one day at Frya’s door…
Frya: What the hell are you doing here Haynu?
Haynu says nothing and kisses her….Frya: “Now I see what you’re doing here…” and looked sad at him…
She goes inside and sits on the couch…”If that is what u came for…than u have it, go ahead…” – she said. He sits next to her and hugs her…he told her afterwards the deep feelings of love he has for her and she revealed the same feelings for him but she said: “I love you and u know that, but I also need my share of fun and if u don’t want me to fall apart near u, u need to give me my freedom and my share of fun…I need it!”. He agreed with her because he needed the same thing…so he understood her and let herself her freedom and she let himself his share of freedom…
They were happy…she was happy after all those years and happiness remained in her life till the end of her days…till the end of…till the day they died…Cause yes, they died…not in a happy way but in the way Frya always knew she will die…in a car accident…and well…it remained only ashes and memories of those two guys that loved each other and still love each other in the other world as well…

My own nightmare

2008-05-29T10:40:00.003+03:00

This really was my own nightmare to be honest, it haunted me for quite a long time, but the truth is it really helped me a lot, it was my lucky-charm those times

Freya woke up in a black, cold room surrounded by hundreds of candles and surrounded by a heavy smell of wax. She looked around her and saw only the one she loved and her best friends standing around her and laughing at her seeing she was scared…but wait, it was just a dream…she opens her eyes and prays to only be inside her head…she feels a pleasant smell of roses and calms a bit, looked above and saw her purple ceiling…she was home, having just a nightmare…her heart was beating hard, she rose and her purple nightgown was falling slowly reaching the ground…she went on her balcony and breathed easily smelling happily the perfume of her roses…remained though with a heavy emptiness in her soul and with a strange feeling after that dream. She knew deep inside that couldn’t happen that but also that could happen…”No way!” – she thought and shook her head…She walked slowly towards the bathroom with her heart still beating rapidly…Got into her sky blue bathroom, took of her nightgown and lied inside her bathtub filled with hot water…Lied slowly shaking hardly. She was scared, but of what? Why should she be scared about…a simple dream? Or maybe not…she heard something and began shaking again…one of her paintings fell on the ground and broke…she got out quickly of her bathtub and saw her kitten next to her painting…” You did this again?!? Oh come on, can’t one day you just stop breaking my stuff?” – she yelled at her cat then threw herself into her bed…It was her birthday so she woke up, got dressed, called her best friend and proposed her to make a lil’ dance session into some club they always went to. She turned on her PC, put some good music then began to dance happily…It passes half and hour then her friend came and went together to the club…
There was empty…no music, no people, no light, no nothing…Just some candles leading their way into the club. Freya freaked out at first, but then she calmed and walked slowly between those candles. She was looking great and the obscure light of the candles reflect the purple color she war wearing on. “I dressed so nice and there’s no one in here?!?” – she yelled. Then the lights turned on and her friends made her the biggest surprise…a secret party…Everything was so beautiful…Through all her friends she saw an odd guy…His eyes were so…odd for her but she felt some unusual attraction and feeling when she looked into his bloody red eyes that were contrasting with his white skin…he seemed so pure but also evil…He came closer to her and said: “Hey, I’m Aimian, nice to meet ya!”…she said her name then went to drink something and dance…Everyone said that that guy only fucked girls every time and after, never even recognized their faces, but Freya felt that that wasn’t true, that deep inside his heart there can still exist love…That can still exist feelings and not only the need for physical love…
They danced for a while then went and took something to drink…They sat at the bar and after some talking he kissed her suddenly…Freya was confused, cause even if she knew deep inside her that it still exists good, she had a strange feeling…so they kissed and danced, and drank and this happened for months and though everyone thought they got physical that wasn’t true and she was the girl he didn’t want just to fuck…
So days passed by, they’ve become best friends in the real meaning of the word and she and her other best friend were inseparable…
But there came one day when she fell in love with a guy she always knew but never searched deep inside his heart to see his true form…So they formed a couple and then slowly the nightmare begun…
The four friends were always together and though everyone thought everything was okay, it wasn’t that way…Freya was happier than ever with the one she loved and her best friends…
One day they met into their usual club, sat at a table then got some drinks and talked…they talked and talked, then Freya noticed Aimian was missing for a while…she began to be worried , looked everywhere, except the bathroom…so she went there, opened the black door and couldn’t believe her eyes. Aimian, her best friend or…Aimian was standing sit close to the wall with his blood running out of his veins. He cut his wrists! Lying in there in a bath of blood…Freya fell on her knees, with her tears dropping over the ground and asked him why did he do that…he sat in there looking into her eyes and said: “I did it because of you, for you…I love you.” – and began to shiver. She hugged him and then yelled for Lawrence to bring her bag…he brought her the bag and then Freya said: “Get my…boyfriend out of here…NOW!” Lawrence took Daniel, then Freya remained with Aimian to put him bandages then got him home and remained with him…she was always there for him when no one was…and she always will be, because she proved to herself and to everyone the way he is and the way she is…so they lived their life…together…

Angel's resurrection

2008-05-29T10:37:00.001+03:00

It was a rainy autumn day…Sandra was standing in front of her computer watching her favorite anime, talking with her friends and listening to some music…thinking about her…thinking about life…about death…her phone rings and she answers…it was her best friend asking for her to meet with him and some of her mates...she accepts meeting with them then she gets dressed up, singing in the meantime a strange song…he puts on her boots, closes the computer then gets out of her house walking slowly and insecurely through the rain…cold drops were pouring over her face, making her freeze inside more than she was…she walks and walks through the cold rain…drained of power….of joy…after a long time of walking she sees her best friend smiling when he sees her…”At least someone is happy to see me…” – she thought. Goes to him and gives him a warm kiss on his cheek and hugs him…looks around then sees a guy that seemed so familiar to her…everything for her was grey…but he was the only ray of color in that rainy cold day…
After long walks and talks with her mates…she remained with her best friend to talk for a while…they sat on a cold wet bench looking in each other’s eyes for a long time…
“What’s wrong?” – he said to Sandra putting his hand on her cheek.
Sandra laughs bitterly…”What could it be wrong with me?”
Her best friend looks at her sadly…”Your eyes say everything…no need to wear that mask in front of me, you know it.” – and gives her a kind smile.
She sighs and says: “I know it…”.
“Well then tell me what’s wrong with you…why are you this way? You are confused…just like living in a different world…your own sad world…”
“That’s right…my world…1st of all you’d better rise the question: who are you?”
“You are who you are…”.
“I am who I am…but who am I? I am asking myself all this for a long time…I am lifeless, but also full of it…I am alive but also dead…I know I ain’t a normal person with normal cares and normal needs…”
“You are my angel and you know it…my guardian angel…to me you did only good…you brought joy in my life…you are my sister and you always will be…still…today I noticed a difference in your eyes…a ray of light…”
“Guardian angel…angel…I ain’t no angel…I ain’t good enough to be an angel…I am glad I brought only joy in your life but don’t put me so high just because I did that….just because I did that, that doesn’t make me an angel…not at all…but still…you know me best…yes…I had a ray of hope today…my heart started beating again…I felt blood pumping through my veins just when I saw him…but still…what is this? What’s happening with me…” – she shakes her head and cries.
“You know very well what’s wrong with you and what’s happening to you….it’s happening to you what had to happen a long time ago…you’re getting your life back again…you’re loving someone again…”
“No! I can’t love…I only…I can’t love him…I want to remain in my inner death…just for a while…”
“No, Sandra! Cause if you will remain even for a while…you’ll remain forever and you know it…what do you chose? Live again and face death once again or be buried alive in your inner death forever…refusing to see the wings you grew in all this time…feeding them with your illusions and with your dreams…refusing to see real life…or letting your wings see the light of the day again and guarding again the one you love…admitting your feelings and letting him to know your feelings?”
“But does he feel something for me? Tell me…tell me my angel…”
“You know I can’t do this…but I can say that he ain’t the way we are…be careful with what you wish and when you wish…”
“Then that means he would only bring me sorrow again…I will feel the bitter-sweet taste of love again but it will be ripped away from me when I expect less…I know that…but I am willing to take that chance again…for him…though you said I should be careful…”
“You’ll see it with your own eyes...”
“Will I?” – and she puts her head on his shoulder.
The angel inside her was resurrected again…she was feeling again…the power that once was drained came back into her hands…she was stronger than ever and having the strongest feelings and desire of life she ever had…her surprise was when time passed by and he began to feel the same for her…their wings were growing together stronger and more beautiful than ever…combining and fulfilling each other…together they were stronger than anyone would’ve ever thought…but alone…they were easy to be pulled down into their sorrow again…but when her wings were stronger than ever…he put an end to all this and ripped her love and strength away…or at least that is what he thought…
“You can’t pull me down…you fool…my strength won’t be drained again…it grew to strong to be ripped away…you were wrong this time…everyone was wrong…I rose stronger than ever and I will remain this way…I can defeat you anytime I want now, but I won’t…I can’t fight people weaker than me.”
When she said that, her best friend appeared and laughed at what he saw…the one she loved standing at her feet…admitting his weakness...”That’s right you see…she wished well this time…and this time seems like she had a guardian angel that was next to her all the time and you failed to see him…yeah…that’s right…the angel was me…guiding her moves and doing as she won’t suffer again and so that she could finally do the right choice…doing what’s best for her.” – he said looking at him. “We’re one person, one heart and one soul…we can never be pulled apart again…what is inside of us is too strong to be broken and you made it be complete…”.
That was right…with his feelings for her…trying to deceive her and bring her to her inner death again, he made her grew stronger…with all his acting and his “loving”, he made her so that she could send him where he belonged anytime…she could anytime send him to hell…to where he came from…he was the angel of death, of sorrow…but he never thought that she could grow stronger than him…and he was wrong….way wrong…

The odd story

2008-05-29T10:34:00.001+03:00

You might ask yourself why is it called "The odd story" well...because this was a dream of mine, I found it extremely odd and I decided to try to put it in words, hopefully I managed to do this in a good way...I'll wait for your comments

It’s midnight…the full moon shows between the black clouds…it was just another day…another day of torture and another day of pain…Still it was a bit of fun in this…
The dancer…the worldwide known dancer came to an ordinary party of an ordinary friend into a house…an ordinary house….at least at 1st….
The dancer was dressed like a fashion-victim and like any dancer…a short dress, with some red jeans and a pair of black and red converse…no make-up, no jewelry…just her…Still that night she didn’t act like what she used to be : the soul of the parties, the one that made all dance…no…she was standing there on a distant couch far from the people eyes and watching…watching how ordinary everything is, how lifeless, how…dead…
As she was standing there the house began to change…it seemed like she was driven to another place, but she was sitting on the same couch and with the same music and death around her…
It was an odd house with tall and grey walls, it was cold, but also warm…It had some windows with odd paintings on them, but all of them were only in black and red, which scared her cause black for her meant death, emptiness, despair and red, blood, love, passion, life…it was an odd combination between life and death, but the only thing she could see in there was death…
Some guy with an odd robe approached her…”Come to dance with me”, he said. She let herself and went to the dance floor…It felt so good, she started to move and feel life invading her soul, she began to dance and saw the guy knew her moves…He seemed so familiar to her…They danced and danced into that infinite darkness, till the light was on again and she saw it’s face…She couldn’t believe her eyes! It was him, the one she always needed and went out of her life…The friend that she always looked to reach to again but never found him…It was him, her best friend, the only person alive she knew her for real, without dancing, without friends, it was a time when there was only her and him…He embraced her with love and said: “I need you so much…”.She began to cry…
They went outside and then she realized how changed things were…There were some old stairs, with some odd statues around them and a big yard surrounding what almost seemed like a castle…
He sat on those cold stairs and she went in front of him, kneeled, put her head into his lap and began to cry…he grabbed slowly her head and raised her up, she looked at him and said: “If you could only knew how much I needed you and you weren’t there” with tears dropping, she sat next to him and put her head onto his shoulder and he said: “Now I am here…”. She looked at him with attention and got scared cause now her simple best friend was a worldwide known guy with thousands of fans, but still…It was him, the real him she always knew, so she let her head again slowly onto his shoulder…
A song began to sing…it was a song he was always singing…their song…she started to sing it and he said happily: “You learned our song…” so they started to sing it together…each remembered the old times and started to cry…when, another voice was hearing from behind them….it was such a familiar voice to her…”Could it be?” – she thought…”No, it couldn’t be possible”…She turned around, her heart was beating harder and harder…Then she raised her look and; It was him, her best friend’s brother…the one she always loved, the one she never cheated with her heart, never…She looked down, closed her eyes and tears were dropping on her cheeks…He got closer to her and raised her head and kissed her slowly…”I love you” – he said…Then her best friend got away…The one she had feelings for was back, having the same feelings for her…she felt so alive but yet she knew something was going wrong…He sat and she came in front of him : “What’s wrong with your brother?”…”Well…I am afraid you have to make a choice now” – he said. Then she realized what is going on and felt she was going crazy…it couldn’t happen this to her – she thought…two brothers were having the same feelings for her...her “brother” and the one she loved…insanity was invading her so she ran away and found some odd wood and fell on the ground…she was crying, her mind was yelling, her heart was bleeding…she knew that she has to make a choice quick…it was so hard…should she renounce at both and make them all suffer?...should she chose one of them and let one with pain and sorrow?...so she let her heart decide and she chose the one she love, though most of her feelings were for her “brother”, for the one that has always been next to her…so she went back and found the one she love and his brother waiting…”So I see you made a choice” – said the brother…”Yes, I did…” – she said with tears in her eyes…”Can I talk to you for a moment?” – and she looked to the one she loves…She told him that she chose him, they were so happy together (or at least he was happy) but still the nightmare wasn’t over…She went back and remained with her “brother”…”So I see I am not the chosen one…” – he said…then she hugged him and said : “You are the chosen one for my heart, my heart will always belong to you, though I love your brother, love doesn’t mean so much to me…this feeling is so small from what I feel for you. You are my life and my soul, my blood. You are me and I am you, our feelings for each other are much more beyond friendship and much more beyond love…Our feelings are beyond spirit and beyond real life, no one did and will understand this, only we know it. And if you will go away now, you will get me again into that death I have been to cause without you there is no life for me, there is no fun, there is no feeling of protect, there is nothing without you…I need you now and you need me too, I can feel it.”…he looked into her eyes, started to cry and hugged her: “Only you know me for who I am and not for what I sing and look, only you’re the one in front of which my heart can open. You are my entire being…” They hugged and went together through life…Having this endless nightmare that only him and her knew….

About knowing me...

2008-05-29T10:30:00.003+03:00

Okay...this is kind of a "journal writing" it's old as well but at that moment it described me very well and I remember I spent little time on writing it (I wrote it in a club to be honest, I had a very rough day) but what can I say...hope you'll understand its meaning

"You think that you know me and everybody thinks this, but they are so wrong by saying this...Is there any person that knows me and my inner side for real? Certainly not you! I don't think that you'd even recognise my face if I would turn around.
Nobody knows me for real, they just know a part of me, my good side...My mask...But I...I have a dark side too as anyone on this planet...I never let out that side...and even if you say that you want to know me for real, believe me, you don't!" That is what she always explained him but he never listened her, not even one word...and he kept telling her his feelings, but the more he did, the worse she was...her inner death was growing, her soul was getting dried of all that's nice...of all that was nice for her...she didn't know the meaning of love anymore...He couldn't change her on the inside, never could and never will...maybe there's no one on this planet meant for her, meant to bring her back to life and make her feel again...Her soul keeps resting in pain, suffering and death! But no one knows this, because lately she only wants fun and not a normal relationship...or at least that what she lets her friends to see...though inside her lies a battle...an endless battle as always: between her mind and her feelings...And maybe this is what stops her to be the one she's been before...because she has feelings even for the ones that aren't worthed to get her to make her feel something for them...but as always she lies herself...hoping next time it will be better...hoping at least that it will end fine...cause she learned that nothing lasts forever, not one single thing...even she won't live forever...but why? Why can't she find someone to share her feelings...to love her and protect her...protect her even of herself...cause though it's hard for her to admit it, she has done these things to herself and it is so painfull to know that maybe...there really is no one for her...that she will search till the end of her days...though she knows this she keeps fighting...fighting to achieve what she is meant to achieve...what she has to! But now...someone has given her hope...given her a hand...made her feel...special...made her feel actually! Should she reach the good or remain into her inner darkness again?

Lakes of blood

2008-05-29T10:26:00.002+03:00

Lakes of blood

A long time ago there was an abandoned house on a deserted place, far away from the real life…It was surrounded by two lakes of blood on each side of the house…but somewhere…far away…under a forsaken church…they met…those lakes didn’t appear there by coincidence, as every thing they had their own story…
Many years before, a couple lived in that house a couple that was the most beautiful example of true love…But one day…Because of the isolation and because there was no concrete touch with the reality, the girl lost her mind and because she couldn’t bare to know she makes her lover suffer with her insanity she killed herself…she was burried near the house…and he disappeared forever into darkness…
Now, in front of the house lies a tomb with something odd written on it : “I took my life to let you live…”.
One day, a simple guy moved into that house without knowing what was about to happen…
As always he went at night to put some white roses on her tomb…but when the moon revealed between the black clouds, he noticed that the tomb was scattered and he, each time he was going there, wondered what really happened to that poor girl…but as he was standing there, a voice told him : “You don’t have to wonder anymore…I’m here…”. He turns around and sees a girl in a long black dress, with a very long hair staring at him with tears in her green eyes…He raises, looks at her with interest and says : “So you are the girl from my dreams…But how have you managed to come back? And why have you done that?”…she told him to shut up, took his hand and walked together in the cold night…for one moment she stopped and began to tell him what happened and how she came back on this cursed land…she told him that she made a pact so that when she will fall in love again and the person that she loves will have the same feelings for her, she will raise from the dead and live again…she was the girl of his dreams and she appeared in his dreams because she wanted him to know her story…but by dreaming of her each and every night, ha began to get involved and have certain feelings for her…he fell in love with her…not a physical love, just a spiritual one which fulfilled him on the inside…but now…he could now have the change to feel that love both physical and spiritual…Still he didn’t know if her feelings were the same…so he grabbed her hand…their bodies were getting closer and closer and he kissed her…she responded and let herself into his arms…After all those years she felt safe and loved into a man’s arms…
Years passed, they’ve become a couple and they married into a very distant church…
Their love was stronger but at the same time weaker…something was missing into their lives, something that would’ve made them complete…he began to feel guilty about all these things and locked himself inside him…she tried to help him, but the more she did, the worse he was…Days were passing by and his state was worse than ever…he was losing his mind…going insane…blaming himself because of their unhappiness…finally…because of his insanity…he killed her…but the didn’t oppose because she knew that was the only way she could free herself and him forever…after he killed her, he couldn’t bare the burden of murdering his love and killed himself too…and so the lakes took form…they were formed on the basis of two persons pain, but also on the base of their love…True love…

Love and death

2008-05-29T10:18:00.003+03:00

To make a short introduction first of all: this is my 1st writing and what can I say, I am pretty proud of it (let's face it, it's not great but it has a special meaning for me, it's the 1st one in the end!) and...What else can I say?...Enjoy!

She said once: “I wanna die and I wanna live. I wanna die but I wanna love....but if I die....I cannot love anymore...just haunt for love...and love those who desire love...die for those who wanna die...love for you, die for you...hate for you, kill for you...all for you!” But why for you? Maybe you do not even deserve her love…Maybe you’re just another boy meant on this world to make her suffer again, and again, till she cannot help it anymore…Till she will take her life for real…Do you think she deserves this? Do you wanna make her suffer? Or do you wanna let her love you, and let yourself love her? It is odd…You always get confused when it is about someone’s soul, about someone’s feelings, even your feelings…This ain’t natural…It is just you insecurity, you don’t trust in your own judgment! And she will tell you again : “I love you! And I would do anything for you and for your love, I would even die for you…” But you won’t listen her…Why? The only sin she has done is that she loves you! And this is her biggest sin! Cause she might have killed, she might have committed a crime, but her biggest crime would be to kill her soul for you! To let death enter into her heart, then into her mind…finally reaching real death, the death of her body, HER death!
Yes, she would do all those things for you! She would sacrifice herself, just to know that you are happy, with or without her, and if she can help you in any way…she would do this, forgetting even about herself…It would be like a guardian angel which is guarding your life and makes it better, like a ghost which is following you every minute, everywhere…Not physically, just spiritually…But in the end she will die, she will disappear because she cannot find herself inside you, she has become part of your inner death and when you will desire her she won’t be there anymore…Then you will realize that you haven’t killed just one person...You have killed two persons…two souls…
In her mind and in her thoughts you will always have a place, even under that cold stone where she lies now and you see it each and every day, awake or asleep…Because her wish was that you always remember her and remember what you have meant for her…You lie there now, laid on her tomb, whishing she was next to you, to love you and to care about you…
The cold air scares you, the stone is getting colder and colder and you feel lonelier than ever…Your inner death is taking over your body. You knew that this was going to happen when she told you this : “We will be together forever!”, and you thought it was a lie, just a lie…Now you realize what is really happening! She was right…Here you stand there alone, screaming for her love and praying…Praying for you, praying for her…Whishing she was here again, whishing to hear her voice again. That voice which was there whenever you needed it…But where is it now? It’s so hard! You are lonely, afraid and…half dead!
Now she cannot be there for you, but you wanna die…To see her again, to give her the love she needed, to hold her in your arms and tell her the words you’ve never said : “I love you!”
You feel weaker but at the same time stronger…Keep thinking about her…and at the moment you have seen there, lying breathless, and lifeless…You fall slowly into darkness…Seem to reach her hand…You see her and you hear something…Her voice saying : “Told ya death won’t tear us apart!”…